How did I get here?

Okay, so now that I am recovering the old me – the writer, the dancer, the lover, the tease, the person who loved to entertain and be the center of attention, the consummate Leo – I have also rediscovered my passion. Just when I had made plans to throw in the relationship towel and become a man-eater again (Lord knows I was not going to try that “love” or “til death do we part” nonsense again), fate would have me call an old friend to console him after the passing of his mother. I knew that I could offer some support, especially since I was in his shoes nearly ten years ago. The loss feels as fresh as if it happened yesterday.

So we talked and emailed and dismissing any previous intimacies, I kept it strictly platonic. And I thought he did too. Then in conversation, the subject arose of my recent separation. To my surprise it was as if he had been holding back the Nile ever flowing deep within his heart and it at that moment overflowed.  The subject then changed to the desire and love that he had been holding for me over the past decade and his words were undeniably honest and sincere.  And I thought – So what am I supposed to do with this? This was not in the plan. Then I remembered what a friend and gifted Medium told me almost a year ago when I was contemplating the separation. After she told me that it was in the cards so to speak, she also told me that I would not be lonely. There was someone waiting in the wings, hoping for the chance to love and be with me. I laughed at the thought of even wanting a man anywhere in the vicinity of my being after the pain and heartbreak of a lonely marriage! And look who’s laughing now. The wing man is here and coming at me full force and I don’t know what to do.

I summon the lyrics from Deborah Cox’s “Nobody’s Supposed to Be Here” and I am feeling it word for word.

So I placed my heart under lock and key to take some time and take care of me. But I turn around and you’re standing here. How did you get here? Nobody’s supposed to be here. I tried that love thing for the last time. “

After hours of intimate conversations and staggered meetings (I wouldn’t dare call them dates), heart revealing texts and constant sanity checks with my friends, I gave in. It had been over a year since I had felt lips on my skin or hands around my waist. And if I was going to take this leap back into intimacy, then who better than someone I had known for twenty years. I trusted this man. I could feel safe and vulnerable at the same time. My heart did that jump when I saw him and his arms felt as warm as a blanket and a cup of cocoa after hours of being out in the cold.  I had deep feelings for him that had been suppressed for decades and they were relentless. I felt like a school girl waiting anxiously for the next phone call or text. Waiting for the good night phone call and the deep voice telling me to sleep tight. Who is this person who has taken over my mind and body? What are my friends and family going to think? Isn’t it too soon after the separation? (Hell, who are they to judge? I am the only one who knows that other than living under the same roof, my husband and I have been separated for years..).  My head said “you’re crazy”, and my heart said “I am falling head over heels for this man..” He told me we would take it slow and that he would catch me and never let me fall. So I leapt.

And I’m still falling…



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