It’s a new year and my mantra, aside from being determined to bring more joy into my current existence every day, is to not let fear run my life or make my choices for me. I have realized that sometimes fear is healthy. It makes you think twice about doing things that are irrational and that would land you in jail or worse. It is healthy when it keeps you from harming yourself or others, but when it renders you immobile or causes you to want to control everything in your surroundings, then it is time for fear to be removed and replaced with faith. I’ve heard it said that faith is fear that has said its prayers, and in the six months since my separation, I have had to say a lot of prayers. Fear was looming over my every decision and every move like a hawk does to its prey – flying high above my head, waiting for the chance to swoop down and carry me away. Well, I could have been carried away to an asylum, but my Creator had prepared me for this time. It was time to use all of the prayer and meditation and spiritual teachings of peace and compassion that I had learned in the year prior to our separation.
I could have lost the house if I let fear swallow me. It wasn’t too long ago that the Sheriff politely knocked on my door with the eviction notice. I could have lost my mind, I could have sat around stuffing my fear and gained fifty pounds, I could have shut myself in a closet or under my bed and cried until there were no more tears. I could have given up all that I had worked for all of these years just so I wouldn’t have to face my fears. But I didn’t. At a time when I felt so alone and was literally alone with my kids most days, I was saved from myself. I was finally so mentally and physically exhausted that the only option available was to be quiet, sit still and listen for answers to my prayers for clarity, direction and guidance. That is when I heard the soft whispers of my Creator, my ancestors and the invisible guides that have carried me through every hardship in this life. “Ask for help” they said. “Don’t be a martyr” and “keep moving forward” they told me. And since I didn’t know what else to do (and was too exhausted to think), I did what they told me. I walked through the fear, asked for help, saved my home and fought for every thing that my children and I deserved to have.
I did it. Step by excruciating step, I fought for my home, for my alimony, for my children’s welfare, for my business and most importantly my peace of mind. And now that I have learned how not to give my power away to fear, it’s time to live.
No weapons formed against me shall prosper
I want my kids to remember me as the mom who was stern and supportive as much as she loved to laugh and have fun. I don’t want them to remember a stressed out woman who barely had time for them because she was to busy being the laundress, the housekeeper, cook, businesswoman, community supporter, school volunteer and both parents at the same time. They didn’t ask for a single parent home, but if I am the go-to parent, I need to be healthy, fulfilled, happy and at peace.
I feel like I’m ready to move on. I’m ready to shed some of the extra curricular activities and focus primarily on my health, my children’s welfare and securing prosperity in my life. My business (particularly the new venture I am planning, that has not yet come alive) deserves more attention. I deserve an attentive and supportive person in my life who can help me move gently into the next phase of my life. I am ready for joy. It’s time to be spontaneous. It’s time to take afternoons just for myself and to get pedicures and massages and take day trips to the beach. I want to feel free to date, fall in love and not worry about who’s judging me.
The mourning period is over. I’ve grieved the illusion of the happily every after. I’ve started to get the house a little more manageable. The laundry isn’t piled up to the ceiling anymore, I can actually get the kids to school on time with their lunch and snacks and even clothes!
Of course it’s still a huge adjustment to my lifestyle, and some days are extremely difficult. And when I’m tired and hungry, the kids are acting out becuase of the life change and I have tight deadlines to meet for my clients, I sometimes think I just can’t do it. I have to do it all, and it’s hard staying off of the pity pot when I think of how others have mothers and even grandparents, aunts and uncles close by to help them. I lost both sets of grandparents way before my mother passed and it can be exhausting doing it all. It’s all still pretty new to the kids and it will be a long period of adjustment for them, but they are starting to get used to the custody arrangement and we are slowly getting back to a close to normal pace. I still need some furniture and I have a lot of reorganizing and de-cluttering still to do. And the divorce proceedings haven’t even begun but just for today I’m not overwhelmed by any of it. I can sit back, breathe and soak in the peace before I tackle anything. I didn’t have room to breathe before…and it feels so good to do it now.
I even have room for compassion. Six months ago on my birthday, as an attempt to cause me pain and heartache, my husband moved the furniture out of our home and left me to tell the children of our separation on my own, the day after. It was exactly six months ago and I was so filled with anger and resentment and pure hate. Today, on his birthday I helped my daughter make a birthday card for him, and welcomed him into my home to spend his day with his children. The kids wouldn’t have even remembered it was his birthday if I didn’t tell them. I could have let him walk into an empty house, as payback for my birthday gift from him, but that’s not my nature. I refuse to allow his negative behavior into my spirit. I couldn’t have done that if I didn’t have closure, and if I didn’t feel free and happy with my life.
I welcome love. I welcome prosperity. I welcome passion. I welcome my muse. I welcome joy. I welcome peace. And I deserve it all. And it’s time.