I read this original poem “Grief Waits” at The Collective All Artist Open Mic a few weeks ago at Rose Petals Cafe and Lounge and a few people asked me to post it. This was written a few weeks after my father transitioned, not for sympathy but to support the little girl inside yearning to tell her story. Not sure I’m finished with it, but here it is:
Grief Waits
She cries
Into makeup stained pillows when no one is awake
This single mother of two wants her own daddy back
But no time to be sad with taxi runs to baseball ballet and piano lessons
No chance to cry with the babies watching and counting on her strength
Even peaceful meditation is interrupted by children’s nightmares soaked in sadness
She greets the morning sun holding back the tears
Adorning sunglasses so the suburban moms don’t ask her “what’s wrong?” as she skips her child to school
Gotta make sure her offspring are happy and
Gotta make sure they keep up their grades and
Gotta keep their schedules consistent so they won’t feel the pain
Gotta keep a smile at the job and
Gotta search for the desire to
pay the bills, do the laundry and cook them a healthy meal
Gotta shield them from the rain
But who is taking care of the little girl who just lost her daddy
Who makes sure she eats and keeps the heaviness of her heart from sinking into the pit of her stomach
Who holds back her fear of the journey through life as an orphan and raising strong kids alone while the village is slowly disappearing
No grandfathers, no grandmothers, no great grands, no mother no father
No father
Who holds her at the end of the night when the kids are counting sheep and she can’t find enough energy to weep
Who takes her by the hand and lifts her off her feet to give her burdens a chance to sleep
Who says its gonna be okay and wipes her tears away
Maybe tomorrow will be a better day
Maybe then she’ll feel like going out to play
But not today
Because she’s tossed and turned all night
Living a nightmare until the first ray of daylight
Then its time to dab away the pain and push away the tears
Because its 7:15 and the school bus will soon be here
And no one wants salty tears in their lunchbox
Yet she rises once again meeting the morning with a smile
As grief waits behind every closed door
God Bless the Child
(c) M Tonita Austin aka Toni Love 5/30/2013
Toni's Room 
Easpecially love the line ” no one wants salty tears in their lunch box”. Felt everything you were feeling in here at one time or another. Your kids are happy and healthy and growing strong because of their beautiful strong mother. Rock on Toni love … 🙂
It truly takes a village! Thank you Laura fur taking the time to read and comment..truly appreciated!
“as grief waits behind every closed door”…whooaaa…my doors broke open after reading this…and it needed to…it needed to…”no father”. Even when my dad was at his sickest, he comforted me…
Thanks Tonita for taking voice of the inner child who is orphaned after losing both parents…I think I’m going to nurture mine and hold her close today…and let her cry while being gently rocked…and let her write, and write, and write….
Love your work!
Thanks Kathy for taking the time to read and comment. You are not alone. It’s a difficult process but your little girl will thank you for comforting her and I pray you feel your parents’ embrace as you do. Xxoo